Palienation

Spill Baby, Spill (I Never Liked Fish Anyway)

Hope — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 13:46:08 +0000

An illegal immigrant caught making off with American oil.

By now you’ve probably been made aware of the fact that there’s a pretty damn big oil leak off the Gulf of Mexico killing everything that flies, swims or reproduces asexually every 36 hours. While BP and Halliburton both point fingers at each other, people around the globe have spent the bulk of the last week tutting about it and making a decent show of righteous indignation. But you know what? I’m glad. I’m glad this oil leak is spewing forth into the oceans. I’ve always hated wildlife, especially sea turtles. Those little bastards always looked smug to me. Not so smug are you now, huh, sea turtle?

America Privatizes Gravity

Hope — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:43:44 +0000

A large super-mass has formed a light year from planet Earth, mitigating the force of Earth’s gravitational field and causing livestock, small animals and people to float free up into the stratosphere and beyond. The good news is that after a brief international crisis punctuated by the hellish screams of those falling off the planet’s face, scientists have discovered how to create gravity on the small scale by harnessing the power of electromagnetism, thus enabling humanity to anchor itself to the ground.

New World Order Delayed Until 2015

Hope — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:12:48 +0000

The sinister shadowy organization behind the much debated New World Order announced that the official formation of the New World Order would have to be put back until 2015 after treasurer, Binky Hawkins, went on a multi-trillion dollar drug fueled bender in the Arab Emirates over the weekend.

“Binky is such a card,” a hooded representative of the New World Order giggled in a rare interview. “We all told him not to mix crack cocaine and horse tranquilizer but you know what Binky’s like…”

Quantum Scientist Warns Of Obama Danger

Hope — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 09:54:41 +0000

Barack Obama is causing more than just ripples in the political world, he’s also causing ripples in the space time continuum, according to Nobel winning physicist and self confessed time traveling mad scientist, Ethel Alfredbaum.

“It used to be that we’d just go back in time and try to kill Hitler before he was born,” Ethel explained during a public tour of her secret bunker laboratory. “But ever since Obama was elected and right wingers have been reporting that Obama is actually worse than Hitler, we’ve been stuck with a real quantum quandary. Do we keep trying to kill Hitler, or do we try to eliminate Obama?

Obama Refuses Meeting With Tinky Winky To Keep China Happy

Hope — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:54:10 +0000

In a controversial decision that has sent ripples through the international community, the White House said on Friday that President Barack Obama would not be meeting with prominent Teletubby, Tinky Winky.

In spite of Tinky Winky’s widespread popularity and the vast numbers of drooling followers he has amassed in the USA, Obama pulled out of a scheduled meeting with the famous Teletubby with the pink handbag without any form of explanation other than the standard ‘scheduling conflicts.’

Miley Cyrus Wins The War on Terror

Hope — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:49:48 +0000

In an unprecedented victory for the American entertainment industry, Miley Cyrus announced on Tuesday that she had won the war on terror. “I don’t know about y’all,” the fresh faced teen with the wide smile drawled, “But I just can’t help feeling pretty darn great about life.”

As Cyrus burst into yet another pop-fresh song about teenage love, onlookers were forced to agree that they no longer felt scared to leave their homes, and some of them even removed the gas masks they’d been wearing since 9/11.